Beautiful framing of this common habit or belief. I’ve consciously battled this for years and never understood why until reading this.
I remember being struck when hearing for the first time that “No is a complete sentence.” Brilliant! But having been conditioned to be nice, I’d say “No thank you.” Progress.
You’ve given me more to ponder and share with my granddaughters.
Gary, I see where you're coming from, yet I’d offer another perspective. Understanding ourselves is ideal, and it’s not always a prerequisite for changing how we engage with the world.
For a long time, I had no real access to a self—there was nothing to understand, only fragments and the ways I navigated around them. And yet, even without that clarity, I could shift conversations, reshape how they affected me, and choose how I responded. Awareness doesn’t always require deep self-knowledge; sometimes, it’s simply recognizing a pattern, noticing a reaction, and making a different choice.
And honestly? Most people understand far less about themselves than they believe. I certainly did. I thought I had it all figured out—until the next iteration revealed I knew nothing at all, just running in overlapping circles. The process isn’t linear, and maybe self-understanding isn’t a fixed destination and something that unfolds as we engage, reflect, and allow for change.
Jay, Mesa, thank you for bringing this vital piece to the world! I love how richly Jay explores the ways that our cultural conditioning becomes part of the subtleties of the relationship we have to ourselves. None of the ways that that -isms oppress us would work if we didn't internalize those lies. How wonderful to know that there are ways out of the internalized oppression, and that these paths back to our power are not impossible for ordinary people to take. I'm so grateful to be able to share Jay's article at a time where we need reminders more than ever that there are paths forward that lead us closer to the world we dream of, even in the darkness of this time.
Lori, thank you for this. You see the depth of what I’m exploring, and that means a lot. Internalized oppression is so insidious because it doesn’t just shape how the world treats us—it shapes how we treat ourselves. And yet, there are ways out. Not easy, not instant, but real.
I’m grateful that you’re sharing this at a time when hope feels harder to hold. Even in the dark, there are paths forward. And the more we name them, the more we remind each other that they exist.
I agree, it’s pretty bleak right now. But I treasure people like you and Mesa, who are helping to connect all of us with the reminder that there are paths. Things are not hopeless, especially when we don’t try to find the paths alone. 💚
There are many paths—if we’re willing to look beyond the conditioning we were raised with and even beyond what we’ve always believed to be true.
Looking back five years, I once thought of my mindset as progressive and open. And compared to what I live today, I’ve moved into an entirely different galaxy. There’s no real comparison. Almost everything I once believed dissolved when I examined it with my heart and soul.
Love this. I still find myself defaulting to taking up as little space as possible. Thanks for the nudge to stop that.
Beautiful framing of this common habit or belief. I’ve consciously battled this for years and never understood why until reading this.
I remember being struck when hearing for the first time that “No is a complete sentence.” Brilliant! But having been conditioned to be nice, I’d say “No thank you.” Progress.
You’ve given me more to ponder and share with my granddaughters.
Emma, yes please! Share with your granddaughters.
Brilliant Jay. I love the balance between personal experience and authorities in the field. It creates such clarity the way you weave it together.
Thank you, Susan! I appreciate that—clarity is always my goal.
Well put. MightvI add?
We only need to explain ourselves to be understood - by ourselves first, then others.
If not us first, how can we expect anyone else to get what we’re about?
Gary, I see where you're coming from, yet I’d offer another perspective. Understanding ourselves is ideal, and it’s not always a prerequisite for changing how we engage with the world.
For a long time, I had no real access to a self—there was nothing to understand, only fragments and the ways I navigated around them. And yet, even without that clarity, I could shift conversations, reshape how they affected me, and choose how I responded. Awareness doesn’t always require deep self-knowledge; sometimes, it’s simply recognizing a pattern, noticing a reaction, and making a different choice.
And honestly? Most people understand far less about themselves than they believe. I certainly did. I thought I had it all figured out—until the next iteration revealed I knew nothing at all, just running in overlapping circles. The process isn’t linear, and maybe self-understanding isn’t a fixed destination and something that unfolds as we engage, reflect, and allow for change.
Jay, Mesa, thank you for bringing this vital piece to the world! I love how richly Jay explores the ways that our cultural conditioning becomes part of the subtleties of the relationship we have to ourselves. None of the ways that that -isms oppress us would work if we didn't internalize those lies. How wonderful to know that there are ways out of the internalized oppression, and that these paths back to our power are not impossible for ordinary people to take. I'm so grateful to be able to share Jay's article at a time where we need reminders more than ever that there are paths forward that lead us closer to the world we dream of, even in the darkness of this time.
Lori, thank you for this. You see the depth of what I’m exploring, and that means a lot. Internalized oppression is so insidious because it doesn’t just shape how the world treats us—it shapes how we treat ourselves. And yet, there are ways out. Not easy, not instant, but real.
I’m grateful that you’re sharing this at a time when hope feels harder to hold. Even in the dark, there are paths forward. And the more we name them, the more we remind each other that they exist.
I agree, it’s pretty bleak right now. But I treasure people like you and Mesa, who are helping to connect all of us with the reminder that there are paths. Things are not hopeless, especially when we don’t try to find the paths alone. 💚
There are many paths—if we’re willing to look beyond the conditioning we were raised with and even beyond what we’ve always believed to be true.
Looking back five years, I once thought of my mindset as progressive and open. And compared to what I live today, I’ve moved into an entirely different galaxy. There’s no real comparison. Almost everything I once believed dissolved when I examined it with my heart and soul.